Financially supporting adult children

It is not uncommon in India for adult children to live with parents. There is both convenience and complaint about this practice. In the west, independence at the age of 18 was the norm. But parental financial support to adult children even in these societies is common. Parents may pay off education loans of grown-up children; fund a holiday or a birthday party; take on payment of bills, EMIs and insurance; bail out credit card dues and defaulted loans; volunteer down payment for the house or car; offer a monthly allowance; or subsidize health costs. Growing up is about making choices and facing the consequences of those choices. What drives parents to continue to support adult children who should be responsible for their own lives? By offering to “help”, parents actively impede their adult children from being responsible for their own actions. There can be serious consequences.

• Parents could be jeopardizing their finances by enabling adult children. They may be putting their health and retirement at risk; liquidating their assets at unfair valuations; unevenly dividing their wealth or compromising on goals. Financially supporting a grown-up child while imperiling one’s future is not wise.
• Child centric family structures make parents believe they exist for the well-being of their children and therefore, have do what it takes. 
• The earlier primitive societies were driven by the basic instinct to reproduce and further the species.
• The modern society has made a child a completely emotion-driven cohesive family unit; the craving for being loved, needed and validated; the compulsions of succeeding and doing better than one’s cohorts; and the burden it places on parents to hold themselves responsible for their child’s success, happiness and progress in life.
• This obsession has triggered a generation of helicopter parents who have to know and solve every one of their children’s problems, shielding them from the adverse consequences all their lives. Even if these arose from conscious choices the adult child willingly made.
• Think about politicians and business people who accumulate wealth for many future generations. There are children who do not take their adult lives seriously, making careless choices, blaming everyone but themselves for their situation.
• It is tough to see merit in this system of extended subsidy. What can parents and children do to keep the financial transactions sane and sensible? It is important for both parents to agree that they need to limit their support to children. Financial support that is finite, measured and clearly defined is less burdensome on the provider. Do not get into arrangements that are tough to discontinue. 

Reinforce the power you wield on your assets and money that you have earned and you have the right to spend it in a manner you see fit. You may want to give it away in charity; create a fund for your grandchildren’s future rather than let your children spend it; you may need it for your own retirement and use. You have to express these needs clearly to prioritize how to use your money. Whenever an adult child asks for a favor the standard answer should be: “let me think about it and come back to you.” Do not force yourself to agree immediately. Buying time will reduce the burden and provide the space to say no if you have to. 

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