Adultery

Adultery is a crime in many jurisdictions, although it is rarely prosecuted. The Pope Francis has declared on 9^th Dec'2021 that the sin of adultery is not the most serious of sins. Adultery is not be a criminal offence. It is only a ground for divorce. What two consenting adults do in their bedrooms is not something they should be sent to jail for. It is not the business of the state. Many couples overcome cheating. Affairs usually end in divorce and remarriage, or divorce and relationship loss, or the recommitment to the relationship that was betrayed. Living with another person during the existence of current relationship is a ground for seeking divorce. Dating is not adultery. If you have to question, ‘Is this cheating?’ it is probably cheating. Under most laws, the married participant is an adulterer and the single one merely a fornicator.

Winners are grinners, but how much competition is too much?

Competition is great. We all have been brought up hearing mantras like ‘survival of the fittest’, ‘winner are grinners’ and ‘may the best man win’.

• In the workplace and on the sporting field winners are rewarded, whether it is with money, a medal, a promotion, or even just praise. Winners are celebrated. In recent years, there has been some backlash against this ‘win at all costs’ attitude.
• There are times when we need to be more conventional and to follow orders without question. There are times when it is more productive to be relentlessly focused on moving forward, even to the point of being unforgiving of mistakes.
• Competitiveness comes under the cluster of aggressive defensive behaviour. At the extreme end of this scale, individuals don’t just desire to win, they feel a compulsion to win at all costs. These are the people who are willing to risk everything in order to be right. They will put themselves, their teams and their families in precarious situations to avoid failure or the possibility of losing.
• Many of the successful people we admire are driven and unrelenting, single-mindedly focused on reaching the top, sometimes to the point of forgetting the people around them. These people set the bar high and don’t let anyone take advantage of them. They can always be relied upon to be 100% focused on getting the job done.
• If being competitive got us to where we are, is there such a thing as too much competition? And if so, how much is too much?
• Competitiveness and the relentless need to win, to do better, to be better is causing us stress and is ultimately killing us. This need to win and be better is also not making us happy.
• Stress puts strain on our health, our families, our children, our marriages and even our careers. Stress, a leading contributor to heart disease, is an inevitable result of continuously pushing ourselves to outdo each other in work and in life generally. With one Australian dying of cardiovascular disease every 12 minutes, removing stress from our lives is more important than ever.
• Our children are pressured to be better students, to look more attractive, to get more likes, retweets and followers, to go viral. Much of the time, they are competing against people they have never even met. Plastic surgery is increasingly popular. For women alone, the rates of plastic surgery have grown 538% since 1997. This is directly related to the competitive desire to be skinnier, younger and prettier.
• Divorce rates are also increasing because our spouses aren’t sexy, romantic, sensitive or fun enough. Social media suggests that everyone else has these amazing relationships, so we should too.
• In the workplace, employee satisfaction is decreasing, in part because it has become less acceptable to be content with simply doing a good job. Instead we are supposed to be continually focused on the next promotion, the next role or that next big bonus.
• This competitiveness means that we can’t be happy when a colleague does well; instead, we turn a critical eye on ourselves to work out why we aren’t doing as well, or we look outwards to others we might blame for our lack of success.
• Employee tenure is dropping as all of us strive to be better than one another. More of us are looking for the next best thing. The grass is always greener, there is always someone to surpass, another promotion to get, another business to start or to buy.
• Bigger cars, buffer bodies, more money… This non-stop drive to be and to have the best in everything is simply unsustainable. Something has to give.
• How do we find the right balance? How much competition is enough and how much is too much? Now I know that what I saw as a strength – competitive nature – becomes a weakness when it is taken to its extreme. It causes stress, physical exhaustion and an inability to be proud of what I have achieved. I am always chasing the next milestone, the next challenge.
• I also know that when I manage to balance my competitive drive it becomes the key to my success. Finding the balance isn’t easy but I recognize that it’s essential in order to be successful over the long-term, at the same time as maintaining my physical, emotional and mental health.

Each of us needs to find our own answer to how this necessary balance might look for us. So, how much competition is too much for you?

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Adultery and its consequences

Adultery is one of the worst things that can happen to a marriage and demolishes everything you’ve built with your partner in such a personal way. Infidelity can feel like a death of trust, the death of affection, the death of all the work you’ve done in your marriage. The fatal blow to any marriage is an adulterous affair where one or both spouses think they finally found their soul mate. Once convinced that he or she married the wrong person, the idea of divorce can take root and grow. Blinded by the deception of the affair, most people have no idea how they got there, and don’t know how to get out. There’s no doubt that adultery affects marriages in the worst way. 

• Cheating is one of the easiest ways to damage a relationship. It shatters trust.
• Guilt and shame are big components of adultery for both who cheat and for the wounded spouse.
• When infidelity is discovered in a marriage, it is a black mark, embarrassment and shame for the cheating spouse and even  more for the wounded spouse.
• The wounded spouse wants to shrink, wants to hide and indeed feels as if he or she is tainted. The persistent negative thoughts can make life constricted.
• A fatal consequence of adultery is broken trust and loss of intimacy. An entangled affair is always the result of an intimacy deficit in the marital relationship. 
• Part of the lure of the affair for an unfaithful spouse was the opportunity to be himself or herself. They desperately needed that freedom to be themselves, to be accepted and appreciated. 
• Cheating may not always end in divorce but it can have a devastating impact. About 60% of men and 40% has extramarital affair at some point during their married life. The depth of betrayal and emotional pain that often leads to divorce after infidelity. 
• Negative emotions are hard to put behind but will eventually fade and life will become normal again. For that to happen, you need to divorce and that is exactly how most people deal with infidelity in their marriages.
• Infidelity is lonely and isolating. If you’re unfaithful, you don’t want to tell anyone for fear of being labeled bad. If you’ve been betrayed you also don’t want to tell anyone for fear of the pity or the sense of shame and the unsolicited advice. 
• It’s also hard to find a safe place or group of people you can talk to and not be told what you should do or how you should feel.
• On top of the dangers of being exposed to different sexually transmitted diseases when a partner cheats can occur.
• Being cheated on can make you feel awful, but also ill. Infidelity can lead to illness. Infidelity can develop mental illness and can also have consequences for a person’s physical health.
• The discovery of a partner’s infidelity can be a psychologically traumatic and can trigger post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that can lead to depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety and even flashbacks to the discovery. 
• Adultery may mean that you have to start all over again within or outside of the marriage. After years of marriage, discovering the affair can destroy you. Friends may disappear that leads you to isolation. It feels like everything you’ve worked hard for is destroyed. 
• Even if you choose to stay together, it will never be the same again. The pain gets less intense but the mind never seems to rest. Somewhere inside you have to find renewed strength to begin to redefine yourself all over again. 

Cheating can collapse even the strongest bonds and is especially dangerous because it has the power to implode your relationship. Don’t cheat on your spouse, unless you’re ready for some major consequences.

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Spouse is more important than parents

Devotion to your spouse is vital to the success of any marriage. In order for marriage to flourish both husband and wife need to leave their parents and start a new home together. From that moment they need to be number one in each other's life. That doesn't mean they don't love and care about their parents. It simply means that the top priority has now changed from parents to spouse.

In the Bible, in marriage the duties of husbands and wives are, "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh... . Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband..."

1. It shows honor and respect for your spouse.
   When your husband or wife knows he or she comes before your parents, it creates a deeper marital bond. If a wife/husband continually runs to her/his parents for counsel instead of first talking with spouse, it can create a feeling of distrust. When you talk together as a couple about your problems and seek answers in a united way, it strengthens your marriage. Parents can be consulted, but it's best done with both of you present. That doesn't mean there won't be times when one-on-one time with a parent is needed. It just means that running to a parent is not your first or usual response.
2. It shows your spouse and your parents that your marriage is solid.
   If one or the other keeps running home to Mom or Dad, complaining about his or her spouse, it can be damaging to your marriage. A mother of a young married daughter told about how her daughter was continually telling them bad things about her husband - nothing big, just annoying things like he doesn't pick up his clothes, he watches too much TV, or a myriad of other nit-picky traits. When this happens the parents can't help but feel like you married a loser, even though there are wonderful things about him that you love. If they have a skewed view of your mate due to your continual barrage of negatives, they may not give you proper counsel, even may encourage you to leave him. Unless there's abuse, that would be disastrous. When you put your spouse first, your parents and your spouse will recognize how important your marriage is to you.
3. It creates a stronger intimacy with your spouse
   When your focus is on your mate then each other's needs can be met. There is a bond of devotion where deep sharing of thoughts and experiences kindle a love that can be experienced no other way. This kind of intimacy opens the door to a more romantic relationship. If you don't feel like you're number one, genuine intimacy is hard to achieve. Allowing your parents to have that number one spot can put a damper on your relationship. A woman told us about how her mother-in-law called her son every night at bedtime. She said, "Just when we finally have some alone time after the kids are in bed the phone rings, and it's her. The other night we were snuggling on the couch enjoying each other when it rang. We knew who it was. My husband always feels obligated to take the call. It's taking a toll on the intimate side of our marriage." This couple solved the problem by the husband telling his mother this was not a good time to call. They then set a time that worked better for all concerned. Most parents want their kids to have a happy marriage and will respond to such requests. Taking this action helped his wife realize how important she was to him. Setting boundaries with parents in a kind and loving way is important. Keeping close to parents matters, and it can be done without jeopardizing your marriage.
4. When things get tough you can count on each other.
   When you've kept each other at the top of the list, there will be no question about loyalty to and from your spouse. A couple told of a time the husband lost his business. He said, "My wife was by my side the whole time, cheering me on, right up to the bitter end when the business collapsed. I knew that even if my parents or others criticized me for taking this risk, she would stick up for me." No one chooses to fail, but if it happens it is comforting to know your spouse is right there to buoy you up. That goes for other kinds of challenges, as well. When you have kept each other as a priority, you'll be there for each other through the hard times. Your spouse is your greatest support system. Parental love and support is nice to have, but in the end it is your spouse who is by your side daily.
5. When your parents reach the end of their lives, having your spouse by your side will be very comforting.
   Keeping the relationship strong with your mate can make all heartaches a little more bearable, particularly this one. If you have been respectful and loving to your parents, all the while keeping your mate as your priority, your memories will be sweeter and your marriage will be stronger.

In all of this, don't push your parents away. Include them in ways that work for you and your spouse. A loving relationship with parents can be very helpful in keeping your family strong. You and your spouse can build that relationship while keeping each other as your main priority. 

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Wake-up Call: What Every Husband Needs to Know

Your wife is your equal. In marriage neither partner is superior 

nor inferior to the other ... Thomas Spencer Monson

Any man in this Church who exercises unrighteous dominion over [his wife] 

is unworthy to hold the priesthood ... Gordon B. Hinckley

It’s difficult for people to see their own faults, but so easy to see them in others.

 

If any of you are having difficulty in your marriage, you must do all that you can to make whatever repairs are necessary, that you might be as happy as you were when your marriage started out. Couples must do what it takes to make their marriage lasting. There might be situations where marriages cannot be saved, but for the most part they can be saved and should be saved. Do not let your marriage get to the point where it is in jeopardy. If so, do what it takes to make whatever repairs are necessary. Husbands need to know that a divorce does not come out of the blue. There may be one final act that pushes a wife over the top and she can’t take it any more. And then, the marriage is over. But it doesn’t just suddenly happen. You can be sure it’s been brewing for quite some time and you didn’t even notice. That’s sad.

Marriage is a gamble

When it comes to selecting a partner people either take too long to take a decision or get married in a hurry. This is inscrutable. That is one of the reasons for increased divorce rates in India.  The divorce rate in America was 32.8% in 1970 and rose to 49.1% by 2000. Higher divorce rates reflect a lack of commitment and a decline of moral character that have harmed adults, children and society in general.

• Whether it is a love marriage or an arranged marriage, the fact remains that at the end of the day marriage is essentially akin to a gamble. 
• Marriage is a commitment between two people who exchange vows to stay together through thick and thin. True love transcends the physical laws of attraction between a man and a woman.
• Struggling marriages make people more unhappy, while healthy marriages have some of the happiest couples in history.
• These days people expect more out of their marriage. If these higher expectations are not met, it can suffocate a marriage to the point of destroying it.
• When a husband and wife are bickering forever, it is their children who bear the brunt. Having healthy arguments is one thing, quarreling day in and day out is quite another.
• Loveless arranged marriages somehow have been sustained even as love marriages have crumbled due to cultural disparities and ego problems that surfaced after the marriage. Many arranged marriages have also failed as a result of irreconcilable marital discord. 
• When the situation becomes uncontrollable or unmanageable, it is always better to seek a legal separation. Sometimes this is in the interest of both the parties. In case of celebrities, moving away from an abusive marital relationship is not an option; it becomes a necessity.
• Children often become the binding factor in unhappy marriages but this cannot always be the solution if there is far too much acrimony between the couple. A warring couple can cause serious psychological hurt to their progeny, the couple remaining unaware of the adverse impact.
• Marriages are all about give and take. It is all about making adjustments. When these adjustments make life a virtual hell, then it is time for a hard decision. There are so many women out there who suffer mental abuse and domestic violence and there are men too who become unsuspecting victims in a loveless marriage.
• Marriage is a tight-rope act. One has to walk with a fine sense of balance. Accepting each other’s shortcomings is one of the ways to develop an enduring relationship between partners. Where there is lack of tolerance and misguided expectations between a couple, marital discord is bound to swell.
• In these modern days marriage has become tricky and challenging but also potentially rewarding. Obtaining a sense of fulfillment from partner, meeting the expectations and feeling satisfied in marriage is harder than ever. Couples in healthy marriages are more happier now than in the past.
• It is hard to define a formula for a successful marriage, but where there is true love, marriages will manage to sustain! Couples need to invest time and resources to sustain strong marital bond.

Eli J. Finkel, a professor of psychology suggests a quick fix. A love hack is a proven technique that 

takes 

little time or effort and doesn’t even require cooperation from your partner that can take just a

few 

minutes 

a month. It’s not going to give you a great marriage, but it can certainly improve things. 

Simply allowing the relationship to slip off is far worse.

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In marriages, no guarantees

A good husband makes a good wife

Don't look to your marriage alone for personal fulfillment. If you want a lot from your marriage, then you have to give a lot. Most people who are very happy in their marriage are also very happy in general. One of the secrets of successful marriages is to accept other person as he/she is and keep expectations from spouse to minimum. 

Wife separating man from parents ground for divorce - Supreme Court

• Truths hardly surfaces in court proceedings. It is evidence that is presented to court. Truth and evidence are two different things. Usually they are different.
• Evidence and Advocates capability gets us the judgement. Never the truth, even though it is unambiguously visible to each one of us.
• Courts are incapable of extracting visible truths. They only do administration of law in the guise of dispensing justice.
• Rights of citizens are same and conferred by constitution. No discrimination is made based on gender, religion, caste, color, creed, education or status. All citizens are equal.
• Rights are conferred based on reasoning of equality and nothing else. Some tilt is visible while making Acts to protect the weak people from atrocities of strong people, especially women, children, handicapped etc.
• While duties & obligations of husband and wife are explicit and well defined in law, the same between parents and children are implicit.
• It is the right of every woman to live with her husband and minor children separately, in privacy. Enjoying family income of both of husband and wife is the right of that family.
• Obligations and duties towards aged and financially weak parents can be fulfilled in many ways while performing his family duties. What is needed is will to look after them in old age. Deserting wife and children to fulfill that obligation tantamount to violation of more pious duties towards wife and children.

In this particular divorce case, it is more husband's antipathy towards his wife rather than his affinity to his pious duties towards parents is the real reason.

• He must have spent monumental amounts in his legal pursuit of his divorce. The sum total of expenses is unaffordable even for the top 5% of socially rich people.
• Invoking religion, culture & pious duties and condemning some actions as western thoughts by learned judge is ridiculous. Needless to say our constitution, laws, acts and rules ... most of them are copied from West only.
• SC Judges have extraordinary powers to make supplemental laws, consistent with constitution and existing laws, in discharge of his specific duties in doing justice in each case and he is answerable to no one except to himself. Such extraordinary powers must be exercised with utmost caution focusing eyes on reasoning only not getting distracted by culture, religion, pious duties etc.
• In this particular case, divorce doesn't satisfy 1 of 7 listed reasons as per prevailing laws and SC Judges invoking extraordinary powers in the name culture, religion and practices, in contradiction of existing laws and granting divorce to husband much against the wishes of wife is totally wrong and despicable.
• This must be appealed to full bench and I am sure they will agree with me.

"Most truths are spoken in Bars; Most lies are spoken in Courts"

My View:

In our society our inclination is towards women's protection even if she is wrong. Women's protection is contemplated by stringent laws which on and often are misused to harass men by some aggressive women. The same was discussed and it was decided that if between men & women exploitation is inevitable, let woman be allowed to exploit man under the law. While it was large scale exploitation of women by men in the past, the exploitation of men by women is less than 5%, these days.

It is surprising to see that SC Judge saw the reason and merit in husband's argument for divorce in the disguise of religious, cultural & pious duties towards old and dependent parents decided to invoke his extraordinary powers that too in contradiction of prevailing laws and inflicted deadly blow on wife who was fighting to save her marriage & family exercising her right to preserve her dignity within the frame work of existing laws.