Adultery and its consequences

Adultery is one of the worst things that can happen to a marriage and demolishes everything you’ve built with your partner in such a personal way. Infidelity can feel like a death of trust, the death of affection, the death of all the work you’ve done in your marriage. The fatal blow to any marriage is an adulterous affair where one or both spouses think they finally found their soul mate. Once convinced that he or she married the wrong person, the idea of divorce can take root and grow. Blinded by the deception of the affair, most people have no idea how they got there, and don’t know how to get out. There’s no doubt that adultery affects marriages in the worst way. 

• Cheating is one of the easiest ways to damage a relationship. It shatters trust.
• Guilt and shame are big components of adultery for both who cheat and for the wounded spouse.
• When infidelity is discovered in a marriage, it is a black mark, embarrassment and shame for the cheating spouse and even  more for the wounded spouse.
• The wounded spouse wants to shrink, wants to hide and indeed feels as if he or she is tainted. The persistent negative thoughts can make life constricted.
• A fatal consequence of adultery is broken trust and loss of intimacy. An entangled affair is always the result of an intimacy deficit in the marital relationship. 
• Part of the lure of the affair for an unfaithful spouse was the opportunity to be himself or herself. They desperately needed that freedom to be themselves, to be accepted and appreciated. 
• Cheating may not always end in divorce but it can have a devastating impact. About 60% of men and 40% has extramarital affair at some point during their married life. The depth of betrayal and emotional pain that often leads to divorce after infidelity. 
• Negative emotions are hard to put behind but will eventually fade and life will become normal again. For that to happen, you need to divorce and that is exactly how most people deal with infidelity in their marriages.
• Infidelity is lonely and isolating. If you’re unfaithful, you don’t want to tell anyone for fear of being labeled bad. If you’ve been betrayed you also don’t want to tell anyone for fear of the pity or the sense of shame and the unsolicited advice. 
• It’s also hard to find a safe place or group of people you can talk to and not be told what you should do or how you should feel.
• On top of the dangers of being exposed to different sexually transmitted diseases when a partner cheats can occur.
• Being cheated on can make you feel awful, but also ill. Infidelity can lead to illness. Infidelity can develop mental illness and can also have consequences for a person’s physical health.
• The discovery of a partner’s infidelity can be a psychologically traumatic and can trigger post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that can lead to depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety and even flashbacks to the discovery. 
• Adultery may mean that you have to start all over again within or outside of the marriage. After years of marriage, discovering the affair can destroy you. Friends may disappear that leads you to isolation. It feels like everything you’ve worked hard for is destroyed. 
• Even if you choose to stay together, it will never be the same again. The pain gets less intense but the mind never seems to rest. Somewhere inside you have to find renewed strength to begin to redefine yourself all over again. 

Cheating can collapse even the strongest bonds and is especially dangerous because it has the power to implode your relationship. Don’t cheat on your spouse, unless you’re ready for some major consequences.

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Spouse is more important than parents

Devotion to your spouse is vital to the success of any marriage. In order for marriage to flourish both husband and wife need to leave their parents and start a new home together. From that moment they need to be number one in each other's life. That doesn't mean they don't love and care about their parents. It simply means that the top priority has now changed from parents to spouse.

In the Bible, in marriage the duties of husbands and wives are, "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh... . Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband..."

1. It shows honor and respect for your spouse.
   When your husband or wife knows he or she comes before your parents, it creates a deeper marital bond. If a wife/husband continually runs to her/his parents for counsel instead of first talking with spouse, it can create a feeling of distrust. When you talk together as a couple about your problems and seek answers in a united way, it strengthens your marriage. Parents can be consulted, but it's best done with both of you present. That doesn't mean there won't be times when one-on-one time with a parent is needed. It just means that running to a parent is not your first or usual response.
2. It shows your spouse and your parents that your marriage is solid.
   If one or the other keeps running home to Mom or Dad, complaining about his or her spouse, it can be damaging to your marriage. A mother of a young married daughter told about how her daughter was continually telling them bad things about her husband - nothing big, just annoying things like he doesn't pick up his clothes, he watches too much TV, or a myriad of other nit-picky traits. When this happens the parents can't help but feel like you married a loser, even though there are wonderful things about him that you love. If they have a skewed view of your mate due to your continual barrage of negatives, they may not give you proper counsel, even may encourage you to leave him. Unless there's abuse, that would be disastrous. When you put your spouse first, your parents and your spouse will recognize how important your marriage is to you.
3. It creates a stronger intimacy with your spouse
   When your focus is on your mate then each other's needs can be met. There is a bond of devotion where deep sharing of thoughts and experiences kindle a love that can be experienced no other way. This kind of intimacy opens the door to a more romantic relationship. If you don't feel like you're number one, genuine intimacy is hard to achieve. Allowing your parents to have that number one spot can put a damper on your relationship. A woman told us about how her mother-in-law called her son every night at bedtime. She said, "Just when we finally have some alone time after the kids are in bed the phone rings, and it's her. The other night we were snuggling on the couch enjoying each other when it rang. We knew who it was. My husband always feels obligated to take the call. It's taking a toll on the intimate side of our marriage." This couple solved the problem by the husband telling his mother this was not a good time to call. They then set a time that worked better for all concerned. Most parents want their kids to have a happy marriage and will respond to such requests. Taking this action helped his wife realize how important she was to him. Setting boundaries with parents in a kind and loving way is important. Keeping close to parents matters, and it can be done without jeopardizing your marriage.
4. When things get tough you can count on each other.
   When you've kept each other at the top of the list, there will be no question about loyalty to and from your spouse. A couple told of a time the husband lost his business. He said, "My wife was by my side the whole time, cheering me on, right up to the bitter end when the business collapsed. I knew that even if my parents or others criticized me for taking this risk, she would stick up for me." No one chooses to fail, but if it happens it is comforting to know your spouse is right there to buoy you up. That goes for other kinds of challenges, as well. When you have kept each other as a priority, you'll be there for each other through the hard times. Your spouse is your greatest support system. Parental love and support is nice to have, but in the end it is your spouse who is by your side daily.
5. When your parents reach the end of their lives, having your spouse by your side will be very comforting.
   Keeping the relationship strong with your mate can make all heartaches a little more bearable, particularly this one. If you have been respectful and loving to your parents, all the while keeping your mate as your priority, your memories will be sweeter and your marriage will be stronger.

In all of this, don't push your parents away. Include them in ways that work for you and your spouse. A loving relationship with parents can be very helpful in keeping your family strong. You and your spouse can build that relationship while keeping each other as your main priority. 

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Wake-up Call: What Every Husband Needs to Know

Your wife is your equal. In marriage neither partner is superior 

nor inferior to the other ... Thomas Spencer Monson

Any man in this Church who exercises unrighteous dominion over [his wife] 

is unworthy to hold the priesthood ... Gordon B. Hinckley

It’s difficult for people to see their own faults, but so easy to see them in others.

 

If any of you are having difficulty in your marriage, you must do all that you can to make whatever repairs are necessary, that you might be as happy as you were when your marriage started out. Couples must do what it takes to make their marriage lasting. There might be situations where marriages cannot be saved, but for the most part they can be saved and should be saved. Do not let your marriage get to the point where it is in jeopardy. If so, do what it takes to make whatever repairs are necessary. Husbands need to know that a divorce does not come out of the blue. There may be one final act that pushes a wife over the top and she can’t take it any more. And then, the marriage is over. But it doesn’t just suddenly happen. You can be sure it’s been brewing for quite some time and you didn’t even notice. That’s sad.

Once a cheater, always a cheater

Who can you trust? That’s the gamble, and when it comes to choosing a partner, fidelity is a core aspect most of us require. You can trust everyone–to be who they already are. Take a clear-eyed view of your partner; accept that you aren’t going to change them; weigh the available evidence; and get honest about your own comfort level. 

• The old adage ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ has the ability to brutally tarnish your reputation in future relationships. Yet the adage isn’t always true. 
• When people get caught cheating, they often promise never to cheat again. Making such a promise, however, doesn’t predict what will happen next. 
• Cheating is caused by a host of factors.
• If you don’t (or can’t) change the underlying reasons of cheating in the first place, it will most likely happen again. 
• One bad decision can have a knock-on effect for future relationships.
• People who have been unfaithful in the past are far more likely to do it again & again.
• If a cheater feels guilty about lying the first time, they are much less likely to experience the same level of regret the next time.
• Those who had cheated in their first relationship were three times more likely to do the same in their next relationship.
• Serial cheaters initially felt bad about cheating, but have cheated so much they've adapted to their ways and simply don't feel bad about cheating any more.
• People who suspected their first relationship partners of cheating were four times more likely to report suspicion in later relationships.
• Admitting you were unfaithful in past relationships is a gamble. 
• Telling small lies desensitizes our brains to the associated negative emotions, which may encourage us to tell bigger lies in the future.
• In other words, those little white lies we tell all the time might build up into bigger, more serious untruths.
• Change is possible, but difficult. It requires a lot of insight and effort. Without some type of counseling and a strong commitment to change, people often make the same mistake again.
• A drunk driver knows on an intellectual level that drinking and driving is potentially fatal to themselves or others on the road but until they spend the night in jail, lose their license and pay fines they don’t recognize the extent of the consequences.

We need to pay attention to our romantic pasts
in order to make better choices for our future relationships.

An university's social survey found that 21% of married men and around 15% of married women have cheated on their spouses. If the betrayer takes responsibility for what happened, without blaming others, they tend to stay faithful. More than that, they need to acknowledge what caused the breakdown within their relationship and understand what factors pushed them to cheat. If they blame their partner or lack insight into their actions, chances are, they’ll do it again. If recovery is going to happen, the betrayed spouse has to be willing to forgive. If both partners approach the problem with an open mind, it’s possible for a couple to heal and move past infidelity. Through revitalized commitment and effort the couple can move on and experience a stronger relationship than ever before.

It is human propensity to cheat first time with great care, with less care second time and recklessly third time on wards and if caught, deny it shamelessly. Very rarely people realize their wrongdoings, apologize and return to normal path of honesty. Human beings rarely change. In the company of bad people, good people turn bad. But in the company of good people, bad people never turn good. It is better for good people to avoid bad people. 

Stand with anybody that stands right, stand with him while he is right 

and part with him when he goes wrong ... Abraham Lincoln

Life's most important question

• Everybody wants what feels good. Everyone wants to live a carefree, happy and easy life, to have amazing relationships, to look perfect and make money and be popular and well-respected and admired. It’s so ubiquitous that it doesn’t even mean anything.
• Everybody wants to have an amazing job and financial independence. But not everyone wants to suffer through 60-hour work weeks, long commutes, obnoxious paperwork. People want to be rich without the risk, without the sacrifice, without the delayed gratification necessary to accumulate wealth.
• Everybody wants to have awesome relationship. But not everyone is willing to go through the tough conversations, the awkward silences, the hurt feelings and the emotional psychodrama to get there.
• Happiness requires struggle. The positive is the side effect of handling the negative. Positive experience is easy to handle. It’s negative experience that we all struggle with. We get out of life is not determined by the good feelings we desire but by what bad feelings we’re willing and able to sustain to get us to those good feelings.
• People want an amazing physique. But you don’t end up with one unless you legitimately appreciate the pain and physical stress that comes with living inside a gym for hour upon hour, unless you love calculating and calibrating the food you eat, planning your life out in tiny plate-sized portions.
• People want to start their own business or become financially independent. But you don’t end up a successful entrepreneur unless you find a way to appreciate the risk, the uncertainty, the repeated failures, and working insane hours on something you have no idea whether will be successful or not.
• People want a partner, a spouse. But you don’t end up attracting someone amazing without appreciating the emotional turbulence that comes with weathering rejections. It’s part of the game of love. 
• What determines your success isn’t “What do you want to enjoy?” The question is, “What pain do you want to sustain?” The quality of your life is not determined by the quality of your positive experiences but the quality of your negative experiences. And to get good at dealing with negative experiences is to get good at dealing with life.
• If you find yourself wanting something month after month, year after year, yet nothing happens and you never come any closer to it, then maybe what you actually want is a fantasy, an idealization, an image and a false promise. Maybe what you want isn’t what you want, you just enjoy wanting. Maybe you don’t actually want it at all.
• You can’t have a pain-free life. It can’t all be roses and unicorns. And ultimately that’s the hard question that matters. Pleasure is an easy question. And pretty much all of us have similar answers. The more interesting question is the pain. What is the pain that you want to sustain?
• I wanted the reward and not the struggle. I wanted the result and not the process. I was in love not with the fight but only the victory. And life doesn’t work that way.
• Who you are is defined by the values you are willing to struggle for. People who enjoy the struggles of a gym are the ones who get in good shape. People who enjoy long workweeks and the politics of the corporate ladder are the ones who move up it. People who enjoy the stresses and uncertainty of the starving artist lifestyle are ultimately the ones who live it and make it.
• This is the most simple and basic component of life: our struggles determine our successes. So choose your struggles wisely.

No pain. No gain.
You can’t win if you don’t play.
God seldom gives us all we need to understand, 
but He always gives us all we need to obey

Ten life lessons to excel in 30's

30 second speech by Bryan Dyson

My View:

If one doesn't learn life's realities on his own, then adversity will teach him the lessons in a bitterest way. If you try to be cool, you will never be cool. If you try to be happy, then you will never be happy. Happiness is not something you obtain, but rather something you inhabit. Happiness is not achieved in itself, but rather it is the side effect of a particular set of ongoing life experiences. You can’t buy happiness and you can’t achieve happiness. Pleasure is great but it’s not happiness. Pleasure does not cause happiness. Happiness is what you get when other parts of your life are in order.