Improve your marriage

Every marriage has its ups and downs. Conflict is a normal, even healthy, part of any relationship. What’s important is how you handle it. The rules for marriage are simple. No sudden moves, don’t crowd the other person, and keep all disastrous thoughts to yourself. Misery is the secret of happiness in marriage. Go make yourself miserable, and then come home. 

• Positive thinking can transform your life and your marriage immediately. Having a positive attitude can take practice, but the contagiousness of positivity can save your marriage.
• Positive thinking can reduce stress levels and may increase lifespan, improve cardiovascular health, lower depression levels, and even cut down on the common cold. 
• It’s basically impossible to be positive 100% of the time. But being mindful of your attitude is the key to making positivity an outlook you can attempt on the hardest of days.
• Showing gratitude and appreciating spouse is a great way to truly see all the things that they do for you. 
• The happier you feel, the happier your relationship will be, and the easier it will be to manage conflicts.
• Few people know your spouse as well as you do, so he or she will undoubtedly appreciate the power of your full attention. 
• Stopping to listen to your partner is a luxury you don’t have. Before you speak, take a minute to listen and empathize. Stop and listen to what your partner is saying. Showing empathy can improve communication.
• Steer clear of criticism, confrontation and hostility. Avoid verbalising critical thoughts, keep discussions from escalating, and don’t use absolutes. If a fight does start, try to change the subject, inject gentle humor, empathize or show your partner extra appreciation. Walk away and cool off for a while.
• If you find yourself in the middle of a heated argument, take 10 minutes to calm down and reconvene when the stress has left the room. Go for a walk, listen to a couple of your favorite songs, or agree to take a break together to put your disagreement aside. When you’ve both relaxed, you’ll be able to come back at your discussion with a fresh perspective.
• It’s tempting to blame your partner when you feel angry, disappointed, bored, betrayed or stressed out about your relationship. The next wrong step is expecting your mate as the one who must change for the relationship to improve. Change yourself. When you address your own flaws and seek the best in your companion, magic happens. Optimism increases. And you both feel motivated to change in ways that lead to even more joy.
• We get caught up in the daily chores and we feel like we don’t have time to have hobbies. May be you have hobbies, but they don’t involve your spouse. Put an activity on the calendar you can both look forward to. There are countless hobbies or vacation that you can start together that take very little time or money, but can strengthen your marriage considerably. 
• If you haven’t had a vacation in a very long time, plan a trip - even a one-night getaway counts. The much-needed time away from home can be refreshing and rejuvenating. 
• Here are little ways to make your spouse feel loved. Sit down and reminisce the photo albums of some of your favorite moments together. Revisiting some of your old wonderful experience to share and will bring about new memories for your long, happy future together.
• Be sure that compliments and thank yous are heartfelt and specific, and make eye contact when you smile. Speak less and listen more.

The couple that plays together stays together.

Marriage is not a contest; Never keep score.
In marriages, there are neither guarantees nor rules.

Adultery and its consequences

Adultery is one of the worst things that can happen to a marriage and demolishes everything you’ve built with your partner in such a personal way. Infidelity can feel like a death of trust, the death of affection, the death of all the work you’ve done in your marriage. The fatal blow to any marriage is an adulterous affair where one or both spouses think they finally found their soul mate. Once convinced that he or she married the wrong person, the idea of divorce can take root and grow. Blinded by the deception of the affair, most people have no idea how they got there, and don’t know how to get out. There’s no doubt that adultery affects marriages in the worst way. 

• Cheating is one of the easiest ways to damage a relationship. It shatters trust.
• Guilt and shame are big components of adultery for both who cheat and for the wounded spouse.
• When infidelity is discovered in a marriage, it is a black mark, embarrassment and shame for the cheating spouse and even  more for the wounded spouse.
• The wounded spouse wants to shrink, wants to hide and indeed feels as if he or she is tainted. The persistent negative thoughts can make life constricted.
• A fatal consequence of adultery is broken trust and loss of intimacy. An entangled affair is always the result of an intimacy deficit in the marital relationship. 
• Part of the lure of the affair for an unfaithful spouse was the opportunity to be himself or herself. They desperately needed that freedom to be themselves, to be accepted and appreciated. 
• Cheating may not always end in divorce but it can have a devastating impact. About 60% of men and 40% has extramarital affair at some point during their married life. The depth of betrayal and emotional pain that often leads to divorce after infidelity. 
• Negative emotions are hard to put behind but will eventually fade and life will become normal again. For that to happen, you need to divorce and that is exactly how most people deal with infidelity in their marriages.
• Infidelity is lonely and isolating. If you’re unfaithful, you don’t want to tell anyone for fear of being labeled bad. If you’ve been betrayed you also don’t want to tell anyone for fear of the pity or the sense of shame and the unsolicited advice. 
• It’s also hard to find a safe place or group of people you can talk to and not be told what you should do or how you should feel.
• On top of the dangers of being exposed to different sexually transmitted diseases when a partner cheats can occur.
• Being cheated on can make you feel awful, but also ill. Infidelity can lead to illness. Infidelity can develop mental illness and can also have consequences for a person’s physical health.
• The discovery of a partner’s infidelity can be a psychologically traumatic and can trigger post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that can lead to depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety and even flashbacks to the discovery. 
• Adultery may mean that you have to start all over again within or outside of the marriage. After years of marriage, discovering the affair can destroy you. Friends may disappear that leads you to isolation. It feels like everything you’ve worked hard for is destroyed. 
• Even if you choose to stay together, it will never be the same again. The pain gets less intense but the mind never seems to rest. Somewhere inside you have to find renewed strength to begin to redefine yourself all over again. 

Cheating can collapse even the strongest bonds and is especially dangerous because it has the power to implode your relationship. Don’t cheat on your spouse, unless you’re ready for some major consequences.

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Children may not make you happy

It is a taboo that one is not allowed to say children make one unhappy and the obvious issue is why we should expect happiness from our children in the first place. It is a mistake to expect happiness from anything. Not only that, but having children ought not to be about one's personal happiness. Do we really have children only for the most selfish reasons – to please ourselves? Is it actually possible to "make" anyone happy at all? Don't depend on children because in their priorities, you get feeling of neglect. Never meddle in children's lives. Their life is theirs, not yours. Finally, reducing luxuries, minimizing expenses and simple living is sure road to happiness.

• Wanting offspring is hardwired, but for most of us, the decision to have a child is intensely personal that  has become all the more daunting in recent years that parents are miserable and stretched to the limit. 
• Parents experience a high point of happiness & euphoria when their first child was born. This is because in our areligious society children will give our lives meaning (as well as being our most likely stab at an afterlife).
• Too many parents link their well-being to the mood of their offspring and end up miserable and guilt-ridden. Our happiness is inseparable from the happiness of our children. 
• Once the initial thrill is past, do children make parents happier? Having children does not make parents happier at all and more often children make their parents unhappy. And the more children you have, the unhappier you are likely to be. Parents are no happier than their childless peers.
• Some studies find that parents are happier and more satisfied than their childless peers but some studies find no difference, and some studies find the reverse. The question of whether parents are happier than non-parents is not a meaningful one. Rather, it depends on the parent and the child.
• Parents have a tremendous fear of unhappiness. Parents are in the mad hope that their children will be consistently content. And it is daft because to be alive is to be inconsistent and sometimes to be unhappy.
• Nobel prize-winning behavioural economist Daniel Kahneman reveals that Texan mothers put childcare 16th, almost at the bottom of a list of ordinary pleasures (after sleeping, shopping, talking on the phone). Children have a detrimental effect on marriage (parents are spending more time with their children, less with one another). 
• Parents are needed for their children's survival. Happiness is neither here nor there. The best happiest times with my children are usually the least planned. We should try and lift the happiness pressure as parents. Happiness does not come when it is called. But, in the end, parenting is not about happiness, it is about love – not the same thing at all.
• Young parents and parents with small children are particularly unhappy, while other types report high life satisfaction, happiness, or meaning. Whether or not children go hand in hand with happiness depends on many factors, including our age, marital status, income and social support, as well as whether our children live with us and have difficult temperaments.

People without children are as happy as those children with them. It is the childless who often turn out to be the most creative, generous and en rapport with other people's children. As a parent, one quickly runs out of steam as a child entertainer. Perhaps it is as grandparents that we may reasonably predict future happiness – because the relationship with grandchildren is lighter, part-time and with no responsibility.

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Retired Life - Rules for happiness & peace

Money must be spent for your comforts; it may be given away to others. 

But wealth accumulated may end up with King or under the earth.

 ... a Sumathi Satakamu poem paraphrased

Children are the source of our greatest joy and our greatest sorrow. Children give our lives purpose, infuse fun and pride into our lives, and enrich our identities. At the same time, they are also vectors for worry, anger, and disappointment; they deprive us of energy and sleep; and they strain our finances and our marriages. Keeping these findings in mind, 94% of parents say that having children is still worth it, despite the costs.

Spouse is more important than parents

Devotion to your spouse is vital to the success of any marriage. In order for marriage to flourish both husband and wife need to leave their parents and start a new home together. From that moment they need to be number one in each other's life. That doesn't mean they don't love and care about their parents. It simply means that the top priority has now changed from parents to spouse.

In the Bible, in marriage the duties of husbands and wives are, "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh... . Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband..."

1. It shows honor and respect for your spouse.
   When your husband or wife knows he or she comes before your parents, it creates a deeper marital bond. If a wife/husband continually runs to her/his parents for counsel instead of first talking with spouse, it can create a feeling of distrust. When you talk together as a couple about your problems and seek answers in a united way, it strengthens your marriage. Parents can be consulted, but it's best done with both of you present. That doesn't mean there won't be times when one-on-one time with a parent is needed. It just means that running to a parent is not your first or usual response.
2. It shows your spouse and your parents that your marriage is solid.
   If one or the other keeps running home to Mom or Dad, complaining about his or her spouse, it can be damaging to your marriage. A mother of a young married daughter told about how her daughter was continually telling them bad things about her husband - nothing big, just annoying things like he doesn't pick up his clothes, he watches too much TV, or a myriad of other nit-picky traits. When this happens the parents can't help but feel like you married a loser, even though there are wonderful things about him that you love. If they have a skewed view of your mate due to your continual barrage of negatives, they may not give you proper counsel, even may encourage you to leave him. Unless there's abuse, that would be disastrous. When you put your spouse first, your parents and your spouse will recognize how important your marriage is to you.
3. It creates a stronger intimacy with your spouse
   When your focus is on your mate then each other's needs can be met. There is a bond of devotion where deep sharing of thoughts and experiences kindle a love that can be experienced no other way. This kind of intimacy opens the door to a more romantic relationship. If you don't feel like you're number one, genuine intimacy is hard to achieve. Allowing your parents to have that number one spot can put a damper on your relationship. A woman told us about how her mother-in-law called her son every night at bedtime. She said, "Just when we finally have some alone time after the kids are in bed the phone rings, and it's her. The other night we were snuggling on the couch enjoying each other when it rang. We knew who it was. My husband always feels obligated to take the call. It's taking a toll on the intimate side of our marriage." This couple solved the problem by the husband telling his mother this was not a good time to call. They then set a time that worked better for all concerned. Most parents want their kids to have a happy marriage and will respond to such requests. Taking this action helped his wife realize how important she was to him. Setting boundaries with parents in a kind and loving way is important. Keeping close to parents matters, and it can be done without jeopardizing your marriage.
4. When things get tough you can count on each other.
   When you've kept each other at the top of the list, there will be no question about loyalty to and from your spouse. A couple told of a time the husband lost his business. He said, "My wife was by my side the whole time, cheering me on, right up to the bitter end when the business collapsed. I knew that even if my parents or others criticized me for taking this risk, she would stick up for me." No one chooses to fail, but if it happens it is comforting to know your spouse is right there to buoy you up. That goes for other kinds of challenges, as well. When you have kept each other as a priority, you'll be there for each other through the hard times. Your spouse is your greatest support system. Parental love and support is nice to have, but in the end it is your spouse who is by your side daily.
5. When your parents reach the end of their lives, having your spouse by your side will be very comforting.
   Keeping the relationship strong with your mate can make all heartaches a little more bearable, particularly this one. If you have been respectful and loving to your parents, all the while keeping your mate as your priority, your memories will be sweeter and your marriage will be stronger.

In all of this, don't push your parents away. Include them in ways that work for you and your spouse. A loving relationship with parents can be very helpful in keeping your family strong. You and your spouse can build that relationship while keeping each other as your main priority. 

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Wake-up Call: What Every Husband Needs to Know

Your wife is your equal. In marriage neither partner is superior 

nor inferior to the other ... Thomas Spencer Monson

Any man in this Church who exercises unrighteous dominion over [his wife] 

is unworthy to hold the priesthood ... Gordon B. Hinckley

It’s difficult for people to see their own faults, but so easy to see them in others.

 

If any of you are having difficulty in your marriage, you must do all that you can to make whatever repairs are necessary, that you might be as happy as you were when your marriage started out. Couples must do what it takes to make their marriage lasting. There might be situations where marriages cannot be saved, but for the most part they can be saved and should be saved. Do not let your marriage get to the point where it is in jeopardy. If so, do what it takes to make whatever repairs are necessary. Husbands need to know that a divorce does not come out of the blue. There may be one final act that pushes a wife over the top and she can’t take it any more. And then, the marriage is over. But it doesn’t just suddenly happen. You can be sure it’s been brewing for quite some time and you didn’t even notice. That’s sad.

Marriage is a gamble

When it comes to selecting a partner people either take too long to take a decision or get married in a hurry. This is inscrutable. That is one of the reasons for increased divorce rates in India.  The divorce rate in America was 32.8% in 1970 and rose to 49.1% by 2000. Higher divorce rates reflect a lack of commitment and a decline of moral character that have harmed adults, children and society in general.

• Whether it is a love marriage or an arranged marriage, the fact remains that at the end of the day marriage is essentially akin to a gamble. 
• Marriage is a commitment between two people who exchange vows to stay together through thick and thin. True love transcends the physical laws of attraction between a man and a woman.
• Struggling marriages make people more unhappy, while healthy marriages have some of the happiest couples in history.
• These days people expect more out of their marriage. If these higher expectations are not met, it can suffocate a marriage to the point of destroying it.
• When a husband and wife are bickering forever, it is their children who bear the brunt. Having healthy arguments is one thing, quarreling day in and day out is quite another.
• Loveless arranged marriages somehow have been sustained even as love marriages have crumbled due to cultural disparities and ego problems that surfaced after the marriage. Many arranged marriages have also failed as a result of irreconcilable marital discord. 
• When the situation becomes uncontrollable or unmanageable, it is always better to seek a legal separation. Sometimes this is in the interest of both the parties. In case of celebrities, moving away from an abusive marital relationship is not an option; it becomes a necessity.
• Children often become the binding factor in unhappy marriages but this cannot always be the solution if there is far too much acrimony between the couple. A warring couple can cause serious psychological hurt to their progeny, the couple remaining unaware of the adverse impact.
• Marriages are all about give and take. It is all about making adjustments. When these adjustments make life a virtual hell, then it is time for a hard decision. There are so many women out there who suffer mental abuse and domestic violence and there are men too who become unsuspecting victims in a loveless marriage.
• Marriage is a tight-rope act. One has to walk with a fine sense of balance. Accepting each other’s shortcomings is one of the ways to develop an enduring relationship between partners. Where there is lack of tolerance and misguided expectations between a couple, marital discord is bound to swell.
• In these modern days marriage has become tricky and challenging but also potentially rewarding. Obtaining a sense of fulfillment from partner, meeting the expectations and feeling satisfied in marriage is harder than ever. Couples in healthy marriages are more happier now than in the past.
• It is hard to define a formula for a successful marriage, but where there is true love, marriages will manage to sustain! Couples need to invest time and resources to sustain strong marital bond.

Eli J. Finkel, a professor of psychology suggests a quick fix. A love hack is a proven technique that 

takes 

little time or effort and doesn’t even require cooperation from your partner that can take just a

few 

minutes 

a month. It’s not going to give you a great marriage, but it can certainly improve things. 

Simply allowing the relationship to slip off is far worse.

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In marriages, no guarantees

A good husband makes a good wife

Don't look to your marriage alone for personal fulfillment. If you want a lot from your marriage, then you have to give a lot. Most people who are very happy in their marriage are also very happy in general. One of the secrets of successful marriages is to accept other person as he/she is and keep expectations from spouse to minimum. 

Hypocrisy in India

Hypocrisy is the behavior of people who do things that they tell other people not to do; behavior that does not agree with what someone claims to believe or feel. In India Hypocrisy seems to be flying everywhere. Hypocrisy is so deeply ingrained in our society and in our individual psyches that it is perceived as the way of life. We all believe in something, say something else, do something else and expect something else from others.

• We all hold liberal opinions when it comes to our personal selves but in the collective whole as a society we try and stick to our traditional values and beliefs.
• We all tend to make judgments as per our personal convenience. People are not affected by anything happening around them until it is personally effects them.
• We all do what the society expects and will expect the same behavior from others too. 
• The marriage system in our country is the biggest example of hypocrisy. We say we are a secular nation where there should not be discrimination on the basis on caste. When it comes to making matrimonial alliances, we all look for partners in the same caste. 
• Daughters are given freedom to educate themselves and make a career. Parents will look for a house for the girl where she gets to work and the in-laws have an open mind and are liberal. When it comes to their own house, they want daughter in-laws who should be homely, should know how to cook and look after the house; she should not work or do a job. This is the epitome of hypocritical thinking in our country. 
• When it comes to marriages the groom’s side is always demanding with a smile on their face. It’s not dowry but their expectations and pride as being the groom’s side never seem to reach an end. Even the bride’s side they need to show off in the society how much they are spending and how much they are giving the groom and their daughter. It is all about satisfying the society and maintaining their status in the society. 
• If it is a widower the society will sympathize with him and feel that he has the right to have a second wife. If the same happen in case of a widow they will talk about her and say she is morally wrong and she is not respecting husband's death.
• In messages and jokes everyone talks about sex and takes it lightly. We all want to believe that we have become modern and western in our thoughts. But when it comes to personal situations like own house and children, then they are expected not to talk openly about it.  
• We belong to a society where families expect their daughters to never have boy friends but then they force their daughters to sleep with a stranger and give him all the love and care just when he becomes a husband. 
• Most people have been physically involved with someone or the other and some have even had pre marital sex but if talked about in open it is demeaned and disgraced. 
• We are so judgmental about everyone’s behavior. It would be better if we just “live and let live” and mind our own business instead of peeping into other’s lives to point fingers at them. 
• In India girls’ dressing is held responsible for them being victim to rapes and harassment. If it was the revealing clothes that caused rapes then women all across the world should be getting raped. 
• Every man in his house preaches the so-called “decent” dress code whereas in the outside world the same man seeks pleasures from girls dressed in revealing clothes and finds such dressing “sexy”. These men won’t deny that they love the item songs in cinema where girls dress in short and revealing clothes. There, men love such clothes and appreciate it. 
• India should broaden its thinking and outlook. If one holds an opinion against something then they must stand by it, instead of changing their view as per the convenience in the situation. There are many other grounds on which hypocrisy is practiced in this country.
• We all say we love children whether boy or girl. All parents will say they are like-minded towards both boy child and girl child. Yet in their hearts of hearts they wish to have a boy child to carry forward their lineage. There are also people who bluntly say that they want boy child and such people engage in murdering the girl child and sometimes the mother too. 
• Large section of the society will claim to be non-vegetarians. But when it comes to Tuesdays or “navratras”, they turn vegetarian. The same rule follows for drinking alcohol too. This main cause of the hypocrisy is that we are seeking to attain the modern standards of the west while still clinging on the traditional values of our past. 

In our country we give more importance to what others think and what the society demands than valuing ourselves. If we need to grow as a nation we need to lose this hypocrisy and stick to our views. We need to take a stand: whether we want to cling to the past traditions or want to move past conservative thoughts and beliefs.                            

Hypocrites spend most of their time pointing out the flaws in others, 

and the rest of the time trying to flaunt their perfection ... Charles F. Glassman

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The above list neither exhaustive nor conclusive. Lying, cheating, corruption, nepotism, and so on the list is endless. In India, hypocrisy omnipresent. It is more prevalent in upper classes. While discussing or negotiating or bargaining etc, one has to be extremely careful in identifying the truth, correlate with body-language prior to making decisions. Any error would result in wrong decisions, loss of money and many consequences. Politics and businesses are the worst inflicted by hypocrisy.